A Sorrowful Summer Night
by alwaysmeanslove
Summary: Two shot, set somewhere in the beginning of s4, slightly based on the episode 4x09 „Kill Shot"
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: First of all thanks for the reviews on my previous story! :) This one is going to be a two shot, ****set somewhere in the beginning of s4, slightly based on the episode „Kill Shot"  
The first part may contain some depressional moments! Prompt will be revealed just at the very end of this story in sake of avoiding spoilers. Oh, and let's pretend the conversation between Kate and Burke in 4x09 actually happened between Kate and Castle.  
Enjoy! :))**

* * *

It was an early evening when detective Kate Beckett was on her way to go home after a long and exhausting day at work.

It was past 8 pm., the sun was already below the horizon, hiding behind the highest skylines.

Strolling home like this she always admired as the weak, golden rays of the setting sun illuminated the city of New York, filling the sky with pink and orange ribbons of light.

It was late August, but the sun was still scorching, the heat sweltering, relentless, almost unbearable all day even in the shade of trees. Now, as it was getting late the sultriness had eased, but wandering home on the warmed up pavement she couldn't help but wonder how great it would be to finally get some rain.

For someone else it was probably a beautiful summer day, but for her it wasn't. She was unable to enjoy the warm, coaxing sunlight, she was unable to enjoy anything since that day when she... got shot.

It's been three months since then, three months since she almost bled out in that cemetery, three months since she woke up with the same, throbbing pain everyday, unable to feel herself good enough for anything anymore. _Being in pain really changes you._

After the shooting she went back to work sooner than she should have, refusing to go to her father's cabin to recover. She needed a distraction from her self-destructive thoughts, and working was the only thing keeping her afloat. At least until three days ago, when they got a hard case, involving a sniper on a loose. A freaking sniper!

It was to much to deal, so she went straight to Castle that night. Kate was ready to tell him all her fears and pains, ready to finally open up, but unfortunately their conversation quickly turned into a fight.

_"I think you should consider stepping away from this case." He stated it so easily, like she wouldn't be capable of solving it. Like she wouldn't be good enough for anything anymore._

_"You don't think I can handle this?" She asked in retort, her voice low and broken, filled with disappointment._

_"I'm saying you don't have to._

_You are not the only cop in the city Kate." She couldn't believe her ears. She was shocked. Surprised. She wasn't expecting to hear this, not from him anyway. He was always understaning, reassuring, but now? His words pierced her chest more than the bullet did, shattering her heart into million pieces._

_"Okay then, you know what?" She snapped back without missing a beat, trying to hold her tears back. "I'm fine!" And with that, she stormed out of his loft._

That was the last time they spoke. After the fight Kate was mad and sad, and everything in between, but now, after almost three days of dwelling on it, she came to the conclusion that he had a point after all. She wanted to apologize, gathering all her remained strenght to fix their...friendship? But unfortunately Castle didn't show up at the precinct today. As in fact, he was acting weird and distant ever since that day in the hospital.

_"You don't remember me...tackling you down?"_

_"I uhm, no! I don't remember much of anything."_

Maybe lying to him was not a good idea after all. Maybe now he was done waiting for her. Who knows? Maybe she had already ruined everything.

* * *

By the time she finally got to her little apartment in Gramercy Park, dark clouds were huddling on the early night sky, threating to form into a one large thundercloud, blotting out the last rays of the setting sun entirely.

A gentle breeze blew through her sweaty floral blouse as she came to a stop by the railing, searching for the keys in her small, bottomless purse.

Kate had always kept too many unnecessary stuffs in her purse like old scrapes of papers, and so on. She even used to bring some of the case files home, but now she was unable to lift or carry heavy things due to the large, surgical scar at her left side. The scar was long healed, leaving only a puckered flesh behind, but the muscles at her left side were still weak, protesting against every single movement. Maybe if she wouldn't skip almost every fyzical threapy session she would already be fine. She pushed herself too hard just like always and now here she is, barely able to stand on her own two feet after only one hour of walking.

She mumbled in relief when she had finally found the keys at the bottom of her purse, taking a few steps toward the door. Kate quickly inserted the keys into the front door, turning them in the lock, easing the door open.

"Oh, God! It's been such a long and tiring day!" She growled under her breath, slamming the door shut with her back.

Kate took a few deep breaths to gather herslef, fisting her hand into her left side to soothe the throbbing pain around the inicision scar, where the doctors cut her in to dig the bullet free.

After in- and exhaling a few times she quickly got rid of her boots - much to her dismay she was unable to wear high heels yet - then she dragged herself through the hall to enter the living room. If she would lie down on the couch, she would fell asleep right there, so she went straight into the bathroom instead, leaving her purse behind on the couch. Or did she drop it on the kitchen chair? She couldn't even tell.

* * *

She stepped out of the shower a short while later, covered with only a wet, blue striped towel.

She missed taking hot baths, she missed relaxing in the tub for hours, inhaling the calming scent of lavender scented bath foams. It would be great to settle into the bubbles, letting her tired muscles to loosen in the hot water, but unfortunately the fresh, sensitive skin of her scars wouldn't take the scalding water, so she had to content herself with a quick, refreshing shower instead.

She growled in disgust, glaring at herself in the mirror, the corners of her mouth turning downwards as she slowly eased the wet towel down, exposing her damaged body.

She hated seeing herself in the mirror, hated looking at her fragile body since the bullet ruthlessly sliced through her chest, leaving a rounded scar between her breasts and a large, surgical scar below her ribcages.

She gently put her palm on the puckered flesh at the corner of her left breast, stroking the uneven skin of her injury with the tip of her soft fingers.

A small teardrop broke free from the corner of her eye as she slowly trailed her hand down her abdomen, tracing the remnants of stiches at her left side. The scars were slowly fading, leaving only a pink, marred fresh behind, but her muscles inside were still weak, the agony of pain flaring up time to time.

It was bearable now, but the fall was just around the corner and she knew the cold weather will only make it worst.

Kate wondered if she will ever fully recover. Maybe not.

* * *

It was already past ten, but she wasn't hungry at all. Even though her stomach was only filled with nerves she skipped dinner, slipped into her loose, comfortable PJs and went straight to bed.

Kate let out a tired sigh as she lowered herself to the mattress, finally being able to stretch out her legs and relax a bit.

The throbbing, agonizing pain in her left side came to life as she was tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable spot in her bed. She rolled onto her uninjured side then, splaying the warmth of her palm over the tugging inicision scar, soothing the aching knot of muscles under her ribcages.

Kate let out another tired sigh, knowing it will be another long and painful night.

Maybe the recovery wouldn't be this hurtful if she would actually take those so called painkillers. She mumbled to herself, blinking hard against the exhauation in her eyes, forcing them to remain opened, but they fell shut anyway even against her own will, her mind slowly drifting into a sweet slumber.

* * *

Kate was halfway asleep when a loud cracle ran through the air, breaking the late night, peacful silence.

"Castle!" She jerked up in fear, yelling into the darkness of the room, her hazy gaze desperately searching for the source of the crackling sound.

Her body seized, the muscles at her injured side spasming, protesting against the sudden movement. She hissed in pain as she carefully hoisted herself up in a sitting position, rubbing her eyes to clear the remnants of sleep still lingering there.

What if someone here? How the hell did they get in?

She ran her hand through her sleep tangled, disheveled hair, wondering how to defend herself when another crackle of thunder ran through the air, followed by a sudden flash of purple lightning.

Her body stiffened, the half healed scars throbbing at the same time with the accelerated beats of her heart.

"Oh, just a thunderstorm!" Kate sighed out loud after a couple of seconds. At one point she was glad that no one broke in after all, but being home, all alone in a summer storm, surrounded by sudden lights and loud cracks? Nah, it's definitely not a good thing when you are still dealing with the aftermaths of a severe trauma and gunshot wounds.

She quickly reached for the bedside lamp and flickered it on, bathing the room with a soft, golden light.

Mumbling something under her breath she slowly got out of bed, stroking her left side to ease the seized, tangled knot of muscles down her abdomen.

After gathering herself she let out another heavy sigh, walking to the window with cautious steps in order to check the rumbling weather outside.

Perring out from the window she saw the streets turning into rivers and the storm growing into a downpour. The wind strenghtened in a matter of seconds, knocking the windows, whipping the trees here and there. The heavy, pelting rain and its pattern against the window had grew stronger by each passing second, the street signs quickly faded, only the soft, pale glow of city lights were able to break through the rain soaked darkness.

Another crash of thunder ran through the air, louder this time, followed by a stronger flash of lightning.

She stepped away from the window instantly, drawing the curtains shut. She had seen enough. Kate was on her way back to bed, her bare feet padding on the hardwood of the bedroom floor when another, loud slap of thunder broke free from the angry sky, and then...darkness.

The room was suddenly drenched in a complete darkness.

The power went off. Great!

She growled in frustration, when the strong illumination of lightning flashed through the darkness of the room, momentarily blinding her vision.

* * *

A few minutes later she was sitting on a kitchen chair, litting up her favorite, cherry scented candle. Kate sighed in relief when the tiny, orange flame flickered to life, illuminating the room with a soft, twinkling light.

At least she didn't have to sit here in a complete darkness, she mumbled to herself. The storm had slowly eased, rumbling quietly from the distance, but the power was still off.

Kate let out a heavy sigh, looking around in the candlelit darkness, tucking a wet, sweaty lock of hair behind her ears.

It was suffocating-hot in the room, her lungs were craving for a fresh, rainy breath of air, but she didn't dare to open a window. She wasn't scared, no. She was just careful. At least that's what she kept telling to herself. Or maybe was it really fear driving her?

"If only Castle would be here!" She sighed out loud, staring into the flickering candle light. She felt an uncomfortable flutter in her chest, being home alone in a dim light only made her anxious.

She couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to snuggle into the warm, comfronting embrace of his arm, to lace her arms around his waist.

Kate wondered what if she would press her lips to his, gently brushing the corners of his mouth to feel the sweet taste of him caressing her tongue, when a sharp, loud, ear splitting crash of thunder broke through the defeating silence. The sudden, unexpected boom sounded excatly like the crackle of a gunshot.

She jerked up instictively, staggering to the floor, clutching her chest with her already trembling fingers. The violent, fistful pain came to life between her breasts, her breathing got heavier, her trachea constricted, taking up all the air from her lungs. She gasped out loud, sucking into a couple of ragged breats.

"Noh - nothing had happened, no one is here, you are safe, you are safe!" She panted the same words over and over like a mantra, trying to get ahold of herself.

Another round of thunder ran through the air, followed by a bright flash of light. The fight of clouds had grew stronger by each passing second again, accompanied by a heavy, pelting rain, pouring down from the frenzied sky.

The storm was definitely back. Kate sucked in a shuddering breath, trying to refill her aching lungs with air. It didn't help.

Memories of her shooting were flooding back like a river, playing on a loop over and over in her mind.

_"Beckett is down! Beckett is down!" _

"No, noo!" She wheezed into the dimness of the room, her body trembling like a leaf, her hand fisted in her chest.

Another loud, crashing sound, another flash of light, another pieces of memories breaking surface.

_"Stay with me Kate! Stay with me, okay? Kate!" A deep, crimson red blood poured out of her chest heavily, unstoppably, drenching everything all around._

"No, no!" She panted shakily, a line of sweat leaking down her face.

_"I love you! I love you Kate!"_

"Nooo!" She yelled, screamed into the candlelit darkness, breaking out in a heavy sob, still gasping for air, still clenching her fingers in her chest.

She had gotten used to having panick attacks in the last three months, but it had never been this strong yet.

"It's okay, it's okay. Nothing had happened. You are safe!" She rasped to herself over and over like a broken record, her breath still hitching, her sobs slowly turning into whimpers.

* * *

When the strain in her muscles finally began to loosen she let out a couple of heavy sighs, wiping the cold sweat away from her dampened forehead. She then slowly stood up, trudging to the other side of the kitchen, still shaking, still not breathing well.

She quicky took a pill. Maybe two. It didn't help. She leaned heavily against the wooden kitchen furniture, trying to gather herself, trying to get her breath back under control, but she slowly collapsed to her knees anyway, as her trembling legs gave up on her, causing her weak, damaged muscles to contract.

Both of her scars were now throbbing fiercly, a twinge of pain flaring to life in her left side, her muscles tangling into unbearable knots. She cried out in pain, tears welling up in her eyes, streaming down her face, noises of agony breaking past her quivering lips. It was enough!

Somehow she marched to the fridge, didn't know how. She needed to drink. Whatever, just let it be a drink. Her eyes roamed here and there, quickly scanning the content of her fridge. Without thinking any further she grabbed a bottle of vodka and took a deep sip. Yes! That's excatly what she needed! She cringed, as the strong, burning liquit slid down her throat. Kate never considered drowning her pain in alcohol, not since his father spent six years of his life in a bottle, but tonight, she didn't care. Tonight, she wanted to forget, to knock herself out as much as possible. Tonight was all about wrong choices.

* * *

As the hours grew late she kept drinking and drinking, but the throbbing pain around her scars hadn't ease. Not even a bit.

"Why me?" She cried out loud, clutching the half emty bottle in her trembling hands, choking back a sob by taking another sip from the strong, burning liquid.

"Why is it always me, whyy?!" She yelled into the dimness of the room, basically talking to herself, but really, who does even care?!

Her chest was shuddering, struggling to breath. Her voice was hoarse, her mind foggy and confused, her body hunched forward on the kitchen floor. She didn't even bother to use a glass, just simply drank from the bottle. She was already drunk enough not to care about anything.

Kate did a great job at hiding her feelings from everyone, swallowing down the all consuming pain for nearly three months, but tonight, it all broke free.

All the unshed emotions, all the hidden pain finally broke surface, spilling out like water from a broken glass.

If only Castle would be here now, whispering reassuring voices into her ear like he always did, the warmth of his breath caressing the shell of her ears, the comfronting embrace of his arms sending goosebumps all over her skin. But no, he wasn't here, no one was.

Her cries grew stronger by each passing second, flood of tears flowing down her face, soaking her neck, leaving a damp patch on her loose night shirt.

She took another sip from the bottle, trying to soothe her reeling mind. Kate let the strong liquid linger in her mouth for a couple of seconds, the effect of alcohol burning her taste buds, then she swallowed it down, feeling her tongue heavy and useless.

As the time had past the candle on her kitchen table had slowly burned off, flickering for one last time.

She grumbled something under her breath, trying to reach for her phone.

She managed to grab it in time, before the darkness of the night could blanket her entire apartment with the pale glow of the moon. Her mind was clouded, influenced by alcohol, but she was still able to turn the flashlight on with her already numb, trembling fingers.

She considered calling Castle, if only she could hear his husky voice! If only she could apologize right now and tell him how she truly feels, tell him how hard it was to lie on that day in the hospital! But it's too late, she already screwed it up, she screwed up everything!

_"You crawled inside your mother's murder for so long, you don't even know who you are without it!"_

Castle's words suddenly echoed in her troubled mind, his voice so loud, almost real. If only he knew how hard she tries to let it go, to leave it behind, but something always comes up and snaps her back down into it. She is just a lowkey cop, who can't even solve her own case, that's what it is. Who is she kidding to even consider a relationship with him?

Really, he deserves better, Castle deserves so much better!

She tossed the phone away, out of her sight, incoherent words leaving her mouth.

Kate was crying, _sobbing_ even harder now, attempting to take a proper breath, still clutching the bottle of vodka in her hand like it's the most precious thing she had ever held. Her eyes were red and swollen, she could barely blink past the tears crowding in her eyes.

A small teardrop broke free from the corner of her eye, slowly rolling down her cheek, tickling her face. She quickly wiped it away with the sleeve of her night shirt, still crying, _sniffling_ like baby, feeling the hot, salty moisture even around her lips.

Her nose was not breathable anymore due to the nonstop crying, she could only breath through her mouth, sucking in a couple of ragged breaths.

She then out of nowhere started hiccuping, her eyes widening instantly as her entire chest involuntarily spasmed, both of her scars tugging harsly like hell. Kate gasped in pain, a strangled moan breaking past her quivering lips. She gulped hard from the bottle, at least she wanted to, but it was emty. Damn it! She growled, throwing the bottle away with a hard force. Did it broke? She didn't care!

Kate yelped in frustration, striking, pouncing at her surgical scar with her fisted hand over and over, unable think clearly anymore due to the haze of alcohol clouding her mind.

She didn't even care about the pain anymore, she had crossed that line hours ago.

She was done with this night, done with her life, done with everything.

Her eyes were watery, her vision blurried, her mind drowsy, her body hurt and tired. She leaned forward, slowly giving up, burying her face into the hardwood of the kitchen floor.

She was now an emotional wreck, a sobbing mess hopelessly, aimlessly crumpled on the floor. She didn't bother to stand up anymore. Exhaustion overtook her fragile, ruined body within seconds and she slowly but surely, cried herself to sleep, her injured side pressed to the hard, ice cold kitchen tile.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading! :) The second part is no finished yet, so it will probably take a while until I can post it, but I will try my best! **


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Kate had noticed when she had slowly awoken was a serious pain in her left side. She tried to pull the blanket up til her waist with her numb, tired fingers to keep her aching body warm, but to her disappointment, there was no blanket. She turned onto her other side then, still with her eyes closed, only to find herself against the bright glare of the beaming sun, filtering through the curtains.

The cold surface beneath her was hard and cool, pressing every inch of her skin even now, after turning onto her uninjured side. She was definitely not in her bed, she could tell that for sure! It was too cold to even consider it as a bed. She tiredly grumbled something under her breath, still halways asleep, when... wait!

If she isn't in her bed, then where the hell is she? Kate jerked up instictively, scanning her surroundings with her dopey, sleep clouded gaze.

Oh, right! She fell asleep on the kitchen floor, Kate had quickly realized, as the fog of sleep cleared from her vision. After rubbing her eyes awake she slowly, carefully hoisted herself up onto her knees, but the fleeting jolt of pain rippled through her left side anyway, the surgical scar fiercly reminding her of it's existence. She hissed in pain, a low, tired moan escaping her lips as she knelt on the kitchen floor, stroking the tender flesh under her left breast.

Her sleep tangled, disheveled hair was pointing at every direction, her mind was still a bit foggy, her eyes barely able to see through the haze of sleep still lingering there.

After blinking hard for a few more times, curiously taking in her surroundings, the first thing she had noticed was the shattered bottle of vodka under the kitchen table.

"Oh God, what did I do?!" Kate growled to herself disappointedly, her voice still rumpled from sleep. She knew it was only a miracle that she didn't cut herself with the sharp, broken pieces of glass, scattered all over the place.

Kate ran her hand through her sleep tangled, messy hair in disbelief, yawning hard and loud, when her eyes suddenly landed on another emty bottle, near to the... Wait, two bottles?! Her eyes snapped wide instatly. She only remembers drinking from one bottle! Damn it, she had really lost her mind last night. Kate had sighed aloud in dismay, feeling the bitter taste of alcohol still lingering in her mouth. She buried her face into her hands then, shaking her head in disbelief.

Last night definitely hadn't turned out the way it should have, but she had learnt one thing for sure. Overthinking doesn't help to solve anything. It only consumes you. After letting out another heavy, tired sigh she lifted her eyes up, casting her gaze along the room for one more time.

Despite the fact that it was still an early morning, the sun was shining bright, beamind down from the cloudless sky, seeping through the half drawn curtains. Still kneeling on the kitchen tile she wondered how much she had slept. Probably not much, she had thought, blinking hard against the exhaustion weighing down her eyelids.

Kate was thinking about lying back to bed. Even though she had gotten used to waking up early, she has a habit of lingering in bed for at least a little while in early mornings, cuddling under the sheets, enjoying, _savoring_ the warmth of her duvet before getting ready for... Holy shit, she will be late from work!

The sudden wave of realization hit her in a second, snapping her wide awake, back to reality, crashing all her hopes and dreams about drifting back into a sweet slumber.

She grumbled under her breath, jumping onto her bare feet without even thinking any further. In instand she stood up, a sudden wave of nausea washed over her entire body, accompanied with a strong headache, building at the back of her skull.

She quickly grabbed the corner of the kitchen table to steady her wobbling body, inhaling sharply to gather herself, but the riot in her stomach hadn't eased, as in fact it only grew stronger.

She hurried toward the bathroom as fast as she could, her hand over her mouth, like it would help to stop whatever was about to burst out of her angry stomach.

* * *

Kate started retching in a second she got into the bathroom, holding onto the edge of the sink firmly, trying to get ahold of her shaking frame. Her face was sheened with cold sweat, her lungs were greedy for more oxygen, but she was unable to make it til the window. She could barely breath, barely stand, her trembling legs were almost giving up on her.

The present throb of headache grew stronger by each passing second, rippling through her entire head like a strong wave on the surface of water.

As she kept retching and vomiting the half-healed bullet wound at the corner of her left breast started throbbing, fiercly and violently, reminding her of it's existence. Kate let go off the sink with one of her hand in order to curl her fingers around the ring-shaped scar, stroking the sensitive, uneven skin with the tip of her fingers in a slow, circling motion. She then sucked in a deep breath, keening noises breaking past her quivering lips, which to her dismay only led her to even more retching. She only moaned in response with tears in her eyes, cursing herself under her breath, regretting everything she did last night.

After emtying her stomach by heaving up everything, she slumped down on the closed toilet seat with her hands fisted in her belly, trying to sooth her aching stomach. She kept sitting there for a couple of seconds, still breathing heavily.

When the riot in her stomach had finally began to ease she carefully stood up, leaning over the sink to splash her face with a refreshing, cold water. She then rinsed her mouth out a couple of times, getting rid of the burning acid and the awful taste of vomiting still lingering there.

"Okay, okay." She panted to herself shakily with a harsh intake of a breath, staring at herself in the mirror.

Her face was pale, white like a wall, her eyes tired, red and swollen. No matter how many times she splashed herself with the ice cold water, it was impossible to get rid of the remnants of last night.

Kate let out a weary sound and a heavy, tired sigh, scraping her hand through her damp, sweaty hair, wondering how to excuse herself at the precinct.

What will they even think of her, showing up like this? Probably nothing good.

* * *

A short while later she was already sitting at the kitchen table, stirring a hot, steaming cup of coffee with a little spoon, waiting for it to cool down.

It was still an early morning, after retrieving her phone from under the table and checking the time she had realized that she hadn't slept that much after all.

The weather was a bit cooler now, not that hot anymore, so after emerging from the bathroom and cleaning up all the mess on the kitchen floor she opened the windows to take in a fresh breath, feeling the smell of rain still lingering in the air. There was no sign of last night's storm anymore, the clouds had dissipated hours ago, leaving only the strong, gusty wind behind, and a few, large puddles on the streets.

When her coffee was finally cooler and drinkable, she curled her fingers around the mug, containing her not so favorite black beverage. Kate growled in disgust, as the hot steam of coffee filled her nostrils. She would prefer a grande skim latte with two pumps of sugar free vanilla instead, but after a strong hangover like this, she choosed to make it plain, black, without any added ingredients. Of course she had already regretted it, right after taking the very first sip of this... Should it even be called as a coffee? Nah, definitely not! It will only make her cramping stomach even more nouseous, she grumbled under her breath, placing the almost full coffee mug back to the kitchen island.

* * *

After taking a quick shower and doing her daily morning routine she strode into the bedroom, trying to choose what to wear for work. Her stomach was still not in place, but it was okay. Well, let's say.

Wondering what to wear she choosed a simple, but elegant purple blouse with a small V neck, which was perfectly covering the the raised circle of flesh, the rounded scar at the corner of her left breast. No one has to see how vulnerable she is.

Kate was all dressed up, ready to go, when someone was knocking her door. It was barely after 7 a.m., Kate wondered who could it be at this early hour as she slowly, curiously walked toward the front door, checking the unknow visitor through the peephole.

* * *

"Castle?!" She exclaimed, shock and surprise filling her voice.

Her tired gaze came to life at the sight of him in instant she eased the door open, pure delight and golden sparkles shimmering bright in her hazel green eyes.

"What are you doing here so early?" Kate demanded softly, curiously, after ushering him inside. Whatever reason brought him here, she didn't want to discuss it outside her apartment.

"Well, I read the text message you had sent me last night, and I... I just couldn't wait any longer to see you and I'm sorry I didn't call, I just..." He rambled, trying to find the right words. Of course he was well prepared for this conversation, but seeing her in front of him, face to face, made him unable to form any coherent sentence.

"I just wanted to surprise you..." He let out eventually, with a shy grin appearing on his face.

"...and I guess I did." He added, casting his gaze along the kitchen, noticing the two emty bottles of vodka peering out from the tiny trash can.

Well, yeah you certainly did! She had thought, brushing a loose strain of hair behind her ears, bashfully following his gaze, but wait...

"What text message are you even talking about?" She blurted out without even missing a beat.

"Well, the one which you had sent me at the middle of the night, where you said that you love me."

Her eyes widened in shock.

"Sorry, I know I should reply right away, but i was asleep, and I just read it now and I... " He kept rambling and rambling, but she could barely make out his words due to the rush of blood pounding loud in her ears. Did she really sent him that text? When? She doesn't even remember it! She doesn't remember anything like that! Oh, God it must have been when...

She buried her face into her hands, shaking her head in disbelief, and by the look on her face, he got the point.

"You didn't mean it, right?" He snapped back, his voice filled with anger and dissapponintment. When her eyes snapped back to him he was ready to leave, to walk away for good.

"No!" She stated firmly, without even thinking any further.

"I mean, yes!" She quickly added, correcting herself.

"I... I did mean it, I just... uh, I had a rough night you know, and I... I didn't even realized I sent that text to you." She stammered, nervously stepping here and there, scraping her hand through her hair, trying to explain herself.

"I don't remember it, I'm sorry." She then admitted on a shaky breath. Or was it a hint of shame hiding in her voice? Did she regret texting him? He had no idea, but he couldn't wait to find it out.

"I'm sorry Castle, I'm such a mess right now..." She went on, growling under her breath, twisting her fingers in front of her.

"...but it doesn't mean it's not true... what I said..." She kept babbling, running her hand through her already disheveled hair.

"I uh... you were right, Castle!" She conceded, trying to change the subject.

"What you had told me last time... about this case, about everything else. I can't... I can't do this anymore." She let out on a heavy sigh, breath catching in her throat as she tried to hold her tears back, but the hot, salty moisture broke free from the corner of her eyes anyway, rolling down her cheek, staining her face.

She was slowly loosing her composure in fron of him, her legs wobbling, ready to give up on her, but Castle caught her around her waist before she would collapse onto her knees, tugging her into the cove of his body.

"It's okay, Kate. It's okay, I got it!" He had whispered into the soft curls of her hair, close to the shell of her ear, caressing the length of her spine. He was hugging her tight, holding her close, closer than even before.

Kate didn't have a strenght to reply, she only kept sobbing into the warm embrance of his body, her tears flowing like a river, drenching the upper part of his t-shirt.

"Sorry for showing up like this, unannounced, I should have called before..."

"No, it's okay." She cut him off, sniffling, the cove of his body muffling her trembling voice.

She then lifted her teary gaze up to meet his, hazel greens dancing with deep blues. For a moment too long they were just staring at each other, pure delight shimmering bright in both of their eyes. Then it was Castle who broke the eye contact, slowly lowering his gaze in order to examine every curve of her body. He was about to trace his fingertips along her skin, when his eyes landed on the rounded bullet scar at the corner of her left breast, the slight discoloration against her skin curiously peeking out below the dip of her blouse. In instant he laid eyes on it she jerked away from his embrace, clutching her fingers at her chest, trying to cover the red, knotted flesh, lying only a few inches above her sternum.

"It's okay Kate, no need to hide it from me." He stated with a gentle puff of laughter.

Her eyes were fixed on the floor, avoiding his gaze, her fingers still cluched at her chest, rubbing the sensitive spot between her breasts, trying to button up one more button on her thick, purple blouse.

"I don't mind it, Kate. It doesn't make you any less or different." Castle had pointed out one more time before she could even fathom a response, worry and concern mirroring in his voice.

Hearing his words she brought her eyes up, releasing a strangled huff of laughter, shaking her head in disbelief.

"If you would see the other scar, you would rething your opinion for sure." Kate had retorted, anger and shame filling her voice.

"The inicision scar. It's bigger and uglier." She added on a harsh breath, her voice lowering an octave.

"There were some complications during the surgery," She went on, shying away from his gaze once again, darting her eyes back to the floor.

"They had to dig deeper, to cut the bulled free." She had sighed, scraping her hand through the waves of her hair.

"It's not even healed yet, Castle." She murmured, her voice too shy, barely hearable, her eyes meeting his concerned gaze.

"You never told me that." He croaked under his breath, surprised.

"I don't think my physical state would be the best topic to talk about at the precinct, Castle!" She had teased, her smile gentle, but broken.

"Well, yeah that's true." He conceded, nodding slightly.

"But now that I'm here, we can talk." He added, his soft, tentative smile matching hers.

"I uhm, I don't want to bore you with my problems." She muttered under her breath hesitantly, taking an unsteady step back.

"Kate, you never bore me, you know that, right? You can talk to me about anything." He stated gently, his soft, husky voice caressing her ears, making her entire body shiver, and she wondered how can someone be so caring and understanding.

"Kate, I know you are dealing with stuffs."

Her eyes snapped up in surprise.

"Yes, I've noticed that you aren't fine. I know you think that no one noticed, but I did. I care about you, Kate." He croaked, his usual husky voice pleasantly ringing.

"And I'm sorry about what I said last time, just wanted to keep you safe, away from... this." He added on a sigh, gesturing toward the trash can next to the kitchen furniture.

She nodded in agreement, lowering her gaze in shame, hiding her face behind the curtains of her hair. His words caught her completely off guard, she had no idea what to do or what to say.

"I just want you to be happy, Kate. You deserve to be happy, and you are good enough, okay? Never ever doubt that." He went on, and her fragile heart skipped a beat for sure. Hearing his beautiful words only made her even more emotional.

"I love you the way you are, Kate. With all of your flaws, and you may not remember, but..." He quickly trailed himself off, noticing the small drop of moisture slowly rolling down her cheek.

"The point is I know it's not easy for you, Kate." He quickly added on a sigh, trying to explain himself without scaring her away.

"But you aren't in this alone, I was there too. When you were dying, I was there. Holding you in my arms, begging you to stay."

Kate winced and swallowed hard, memories of her shooting coming to life in her mind, playing on a loop over and over, clear and vivid just like in her nightmares.

"Sorry for bringing this up," He had sighed after seeing her frightened gaze.

" I just want to let you know that we are in this together. Well, maybe not the same way but..."

"I know." She cut him off without even thinking any further, finally having the courage to speak.

"I know you were there." She sighed out loud, nervously stepping here and there once again, twisting her fingers in front of her.

Butterflies were dancing in her stomach, her voice was shaky and unsure, her tongue heavy, barely able to form any coherent sentence, but she wanted to get this out, here and now.

"I know what you said." She went on after a brief pause, swallowing hard to choke back a sob.

"Your words were the only thing that mattered to me in that moment." She stated on a heavy sigh, her eyes never leaving him.

"I remember. I remember everything." She confessed on a sob, her lips quivering, her mouth dry, her entire body trembling.

'I'm sorry I lied, Castle." She went on with a shaky, nasal voice, wiping the tears away from her face with the back of her hand, momentarily avoiding his surprised gaze.

"And I'm sorry I sent you away on that day in the hospital." She sniffled timidly, lifting her eyes up to risk a glance at him.

"I just... it was too much to deal, I couldn't..." She stammered on a shallow breath, blinking hard against the salty moisture stinging in her eyes, threatening to break free.

"It's okay." He cut her off with reassuring smile.

His voice was soft, _too soft_, gently caressing the shell of her ears. She took a step closer without even realizing it and their gazes met again, the intensity of his eyes making her entire body shiver. Kate was sure that one day she might drown into his bright, sky blue eyes, and she wondered how can a single look made her feel so...how excatly?

Castle drew an inch closer to her as well, grazing her left side gently, feeling the large, surgical scar beneath his palm. He then slowly traced the remnants of stiches with the tip of his soft fingers, stroking the tender flesh around her inicision scar. To his surprise she didn't pull away, as in fact she leaned even closer. They were standing so close to each other, closer than ever before, their noses almost clashed, and she could feel his warm breath on her own, bare skin.

For a moment too long they were just staring into each other's eyes, her teary hazel greens locked into his delighted sky blues. Being like this, face to face, skin to skin, she couldn't help but wonder what if she would lace her arms around his neck, and what if...

Before she could think any further his lips were suddenly moving over hers, a soft caress of his tongue brushing the corner of her lower lip, begging for entrace. She gave him the permission he wanted and let him in without hesitation, plunging her own tongue deep inside his mouth in response, hungrily exploring each part of him. Their tongues were now a tangled mess, eagerly dancing with each other like they never did before, and she couldn't get enough of the sweet taste of his mouth.

Desire and will overtook her insides within a second, a pleasant jolt of electricity running down her spine, leaving her breathless.

When their lips aparted to finally get some air he trained his gaze on her again, looking straight into her tired, hazel green eyes, which were now shimmering like an emerald as the dim light of the early morning sun spilled through the half-drawn curtains, illuminating her face in a low, golden light.

No matter how broken or tired she was, Kate Beckett was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

"You are amazing!" He had panted, cupping her cheek with his palm, tucking a loose, growing strand of hair behind her ears, grazing the soft curls of her honey brown hair.

She only smiled in response, unable to form any coherent word. She was still shivering from his kiss, from his touch and oh, God! She wanted more, she needed more, but she was tired, weak and damaged, she could barely stand on her own two feet.

"Can we sit on the couch?" She had sighed, biting her lower lip.

"Yeah, of course!" He nodded a bit confused, lacing his fingers with hers. The small brush of his fingertips made her shiver, her mouth breaking into a soft smile as she slowly, but surely led him into the living room.

When they both were comfortably settled on the couch she snuggled into the warm embrace of his arms, resting her head on his shoulders, the sweet scent of his cologne filling her nostrils.

Castle was here by here side, holding her close, hugging her tight, just like she wanted it last night, and she couldn't be happier. Kate sighed out loud in contentment, finally being able to relax without being in fear.

For a moment too long they were just sitting in silent, their lungs breathing at the same rhythm, and he couldn't help but wonder how is she able run after suspects every day if she can't even stand for too long.

She definitely did a great job at hiding the frail state of her body from everyone, Castle had admitted to himself. He just hoped she didn't push herself too hard, and the pain won't remain forever. He knew she would never cope with that.

He then quickly reminded himself that she might be in pain sitting like this, even if she isn't showing any sign of it.

"Let me help you to lay down, Kate. Would be more comfortable." He muttered in a low, husky voice.

"No, no. It's okay like this." She resisted, pulling away from the bend of his arms.

"I can't stay here for long anyway, need to work." She added on a heavy sigh, blinking hard against the exhaustion in her eyes.

"Don't worry about work." He replied without even missing a beat.

"I will call in, and tell captain Gates that you got sick, okay?" He had whispered, gently caressing her face.

A soft "uhum" was all she managed to get out on a breath, fighting hard against the haze of sleep clouding her mind.

"Thanks, Castle." She then muttered, flickering her tired eyes up to meet his delighted blues.

"For what?" He asked back gently, a bit of curiousity shimmering bright in his eyes.

"For not pushing... for giving me space, to get through this." She mumbled under her breath, halfway asleep, unable to keep her eyes opened anymore.

"Always!" He had whispered, reaching for the blanket nearby, carefully draping it over her body, up til her waist.

"Always, Kate. Always!" He had repeated, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

She was barely awake, barely able to make out what he had said, but she was certain about one thing. It was more than just a word. It was a promise.

* * *

_Prompt from castlefanficprompts on tumblr: Beckett accidentally texts Castle „I love You!"_

**A/N: I feel like anything more between Caskett would be rushed in this story, so this is the end.  
Thank you all for reading, favoriting, following and reviewing! Hopefully I will be back with a new story soon. Until next time, bye! :))**_  
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